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Beer Humour and Fun

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The Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

 

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

 

10 Glasses

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy what's your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

 

A Broken Breathalyser?

A routine police patrol is parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officers notice a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officers quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officers, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To their amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, one of the officers said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I'm the designated decoy, so I haven't touched a drop all night."

 

Warning to Men

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

 

A Few Quick Ones

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

 

Staggering Drunk

A drunk staggers down the street with his car keys in his hand, staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally stopped by a policeman who asks "What's the problem, buddy?". The drunk replies "Someone stole my car! *hic*".

"Where did you last see it?". "It was right here on the end of my car key ..." the drunk says. Sensing a pointless conversation about to start, the policeman suggests that the drunk just catch a taxi and go home. Turning to leave, he pauses and mentions to the drunk "Did you happen to notice your fly is open?". Looking down at his fly, the drunk exclaims "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

 

Recent Medical Research Results

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

If Beer Had Health Warnings

It's been proposed that warning signs be placed on beer bottles to tip off drinkers about the likely effects:

  1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
  2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
  6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
  8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
  9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead.
  10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

 

Drinking Problem Solver

Symptom Fault Action Required
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Floor swaying. Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it You have fallen over backward. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.
Everything has gone dark. The Bar is closing. Panic.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

 

Teach a Man to Fish

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

 

If you have a good beer related joke, quote or game please e-mail it to support@pint.com.au and if it is suitable we will put it up

 

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